I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
