Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
