I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
