Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
