i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
