dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
