I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
