So drunk its hurt
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize