It's like God shit irony all over that family
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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