i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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