Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
