I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
