Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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