Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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