We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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