I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
