we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
