so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
