My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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