How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
