Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
