Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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