Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
