Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize