Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
