the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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