considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
