my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize