My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
