Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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