the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
