Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
