im six kinds of drunk right now
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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