he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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