I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
