After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
