i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
