There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
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