College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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