I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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