Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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