My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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