i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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