the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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