I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
