Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
