i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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