Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
