If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
