I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
