I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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