i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
