And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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