i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
