Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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