why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
